I learn that I need to reflect on myself.
I learn that by exercising self-reflection, I'll be better loved by Him and others.
I want to learn. I love to learn.
This is 'What I learn...'
Izzah Athirah, a ten year old school girl from Seremban, passed away yesterday, after being rushed to the GH from her school. She was found weak and seemingly lifeless, after mistakenly left in the car for nearly 8 hours. Aisyah, my niece, told me this tragic story as she arrived from school last night. They were from the same school.
Exactly after the whole school completed the last verse of the Surah Yaa-sin, dedicated to Athirah, a handphone rang, informing them about Athirah's death. Yes, she was still alive, but weak and vomitting after being found in her Mom's Alza at 2pm.
Her mom, a teacher in the same school, left the car keys to a younger sister of Athirah for her to lock it in the morning; was shocked to see Athirah was still in the car during home time, since she thought both Athirah and her sister left the car after finding and wearing their shoes in the car earlier in the morning.
Lesson learned from this tragic episode:
Never take things for granted about checking and re-checking your passengers, especially the young ones. I personally need to be caution, especially at this age when Al Fateh and Yusuf love to play hide and seek with each other.
If you are an owner of an MPV, do check the back row of your car, not just the passenger's seat behind you. You might find a 'hidden treasure' trying to scare you - but it's better for them to scare you in a fun way, then in a tragic way.
Do head counts of your passengers, especially in the case of Athirah, who had 8 siblings.I know it sounds like school excursion, but never ever take things for granted.
Do not leave your children responsible of an adult's duty, especially unsupervised. Leaving the car keys for your younger kids to lock up it's not an option.
Make sure that the car is locked (and secure everyone out of it) after you've parked at home. Kids can be super creative in finding places for their hide-and-seek activity.
Learn from it, and don't put more blame on the mom, or anyone at all, after this mishap. She suffered more than we know, and thickening her guilt would not help her and the family to move on. For all we know, they have an ensured member of jannah, waiting to pray for them. I am a mother and a teacher, and I strongly disagree of the police's accusation of her trying to kill her own child. She made a mistake and I'm positively sure, she has learned from it, as I do.
Al Fatihah to Izzah Athirah. May you have peace in the barzakh.
Alwani LOVES pasta. She can eat any kind of pastas everyday! And this weekend, she was asking for spaghetti and meat balls (and it was not in my cooking schedule!!) But hey, why not? They need an activity anyway during the weekend. Light bulb!!
I'll outsource the tedious part for them to do! Yee haaa! They have to do their own meatballs!!
Yes, they did. After washing and brushing their hands with soap and water, both Al Fateh and Alwani sat down while I demonstrated the way to make the minced meat ball-like. They are fast learners, so after a couple of meatballs, they're off on their own!
I believe there were a few lessons learned from this simple event.
Lesson 1: Do include your children in the kitchen activity - the simple and far from dangerous ones. They will appreciate the food more, since they put their own effort in 'making it happen'.
Lesson 2: Trust me, sibling rivalry will happen. And during this simple meatball-outsourcing activity, they started to compare who 'balled' most meat. Counting and more counting, and rechecking others' counting occur continuously, till the last of the meatball. Great indirect math lesson!
Lesson 3: Appreciate the kids after their hard work. I rewarded them with cold yoghurt drink (which is rare in the house. They (are force to) live by plain H2O)! When they are appreciated, they do ask if they can help more in the house, which is a wonderful thing. It's really magic how simple 'Can I help you with anything, Ummi?' washes away the tiredness. Seriously.
Lesson 4: Furthermore, they'll learn about cleanliness - prior to, while and after food prep. Of course those are basic skills, but if they are not exposed to it, they can't practice it.
Lesson 5: Raw food is yucky to be eaten! (Hard lesson learned by Yusuf!)
'Cooked food is wayyy better then raw!'
Lesson 6: Have trust in your children small hands. They can do it if you trust them and show them what and how things should be done well.
Lesson 7: Don't be a perfectionist. There might be odd shapes and sizes, but hey, just chuck them in the pot and cook them! Nobody will notice it when they're all jumbled and stirred in the pot!
Lesson 8: Praise them, and tell their wonderful effort to their Abi, and grandparents!
I was indulged in an emotional and physical roller coaster for the past few weeks.
Symphony 1
We were surprised with another pregnancy news, since we were not planning to have one this soon. Alhamdulillah for Allah's gift(s).
Symphony 2
However, with that, came a huge sacrifice that I had to make as a servant of Allah. Subhanallah, it was not an easy task for me to climb the stairs of the Tabung Haji building in KT to decline the hajj offer. We were looking forward for this great event in our lives and has been preparing for it for some time. But Allah knows best. I believe in His design of my life's journey.
Symphony 3
I willingly told my husband to perform the Hajj pilgrimage this year without me, though many of my family members disagree. However, I believe that it was not easy to get a grand invitation from Allah to perform one of the essential pillars of Islam, so why must we decline it without a valid reason. It's me who will be 8 months pregnant during Hajj period, not him. So, alhamdulillah, we stand firm with our decision for my husband to go first, and insha Allah, my turn will come next, maybe as a PhD gift from Him, wallahu'alam.
Symphony 4
From the beginning of the pregnancy till now, I experienced three events of bleeding. It was scary. It effected my supervision meetings with my supervisor since I wasn't able to commute regularly from KT to Nottingham, Semenyih. Another huge alhamdulillah, for my supervisor was very understanding and instructed me to do my work at home and submitting my reports through emails. He advised me to bed rest and took the break I needed since health is an essential tool for me to complete my PhD process. Oh, alhamdulillah.
Symphony 5
When I was spotting for the third time, I went to the usual clinic and another HUGE news came to us. I AM still pregnant but not with one fetus, but TWO! There you go! TWINkle, TWINkle little star(s)! Symphony 6
I've got serious coughing issues in this pregnancy and I wheeze at night which makez it very hard for me to sleep or rest during night time. Hence, I needed afternoon naps, which made me lag behind my work as promised to myself and my supervisor. I have promised myself to complete at least 100% of my chapters 1 and 3 and at least 90% of chapter 2 before my EDD (which is mid December, 2011 - yes, this year). I need to work on my pilot study report so that I have a clear idea on what to expect during my data collection this September (pre-test) and December (post-test).
Symphony 7
Yes, you read right. I need to collect post-test data in December, the exact same time I'm due with the twins. And another round of huge alhamdulillah for I have super wonderful colleagues in at my workplace, who willingly volunteered to do it for me. I'm indebted to you, Shayda and Husna, as well as the gurus, Kak Sham and Kak Ti, for willingly helping to ensure my research data collection journey sails smoothly, insha Allah.
The Symphony
A song aptly titled Allah Knows by Zain Bhika and Dawud Wharnsby is the anthem to my bitter sweet symphony this June. The simple words, so simple, so frank, so direct, yet so true;
When you feel all alone in this world
And there’s nobody to count your tears
Just remember, no matter where you are
Allah knows
Allah knows
When you carrying a monster load
And you wonder how far you can go
With every step on that road that you take
Allah knows
Allah knows
CHORUS
No matter what, inside or out
There’s one thing of which there’s no doubt
Allah knows
Allah knows
And whatever lies in the heavens and the earth
Every star in this whole universe
Allah knows
Allah knows
When you find that special someone
Feel your whole life has barely begun
You can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone
Allah knows
Allah knows
When you gaze with love in your eyes
Catch a glimpse of paradise
And you see your child take the first breath of life
Allah knows
Allah knows
CHORUS
When you lose someone close to your heart
See your whole world fall apart
And you try to go on but it seems so hard
Allah knows
Allah knows
You see we all have a path to choose
Through the valleys and hills we go
With the ups and the downs, never fret never frown
Allah knows Allah knows
CHORUS (x2)
Every grain of sand,
In every desert land, He knows.
Every shade of palm,
Every closed hand, He knows.
Every sparkling tear,
On every eyelash, He knows.
Every thought I have,
And every word I share, He knows.
Allah knows.
Yusuf managed to say goodbye to his Avent bottle today. We're so proud of him. He's 2 years and 5 months old and we believe that he should be able to drink from a cup - and he proved us right!
I know it's not an easy thing for Yusuf to do, especially when he has been depending on milk from the bottle starting from 6 months old, to comfort him to sleep and it became his savior from hunger (if Ummi takes too long to cook!).
Remembering what the nurses in King Eddie Hospital back in Perth advice, which was to teach the toddler from the age of 2 to let go of their bottle, in order to protect their teeth from rotting and to ensure a better sleeping pattern at night and better brain growth (since no waking ups for milk in the middle of the night) - it gave us strength to prevail, though Yusuf actually asked for his bottle (only) twice during the first day (and both were not caused by hunger, but merely to comfort him to sleep).
Steps for 'Bubbye-Bottle'
Bubbye bottle, Hello Wiggle cup!
We comforted and praised him that he is a very good, big boy, and big, handsome boys don't drink from bottles. They use cups. And we asked him whether can he be a good big handsome boy. Of course he replied, "YES!' without understanding fully the consequences of the answer.
Then we asked him to find his bottle from his cot and asked him if it was dirty. And of course, another 'YES,' from him. So we reasoned him that it's not healthy anymore to drink from the bottle. Grown-ups like us (includes the older siblings in the conversation) do not use bottles. He then told us, 'I'm a big boy! No yucky bottle!' (Phew, correct answer from him!) And we asked him to throw the bottle in the rubbish bin (himself). <--- This step is important so that he'd remember that he chucked it away himself.
Then we introduced to him to his new pals, Elmo and Wiggle straw cups, just like his sister's. Alhamdulillah, he accepted it. (Alwani did not approve of her cups when she was younger, so we drove to Target in Carousel, Perth and asked her to choose her own cup! And she was stuck to it for a looong time. <---This was another tip given by the nurses at King Eddie's which was to reward the children for their sacrifice.)
Be persistent. Some kids (like Al Fateh) take a bit longer to adapt to the new situation. They might rebel. But some (like Yusuf) understands well and reason with himself when he was in need of the bottle. Some of his monologue; 'No bottle, I'm a big boy', 'Wiggle cup but same milk', 'I don't want bad teeth'.
Though Yusuf transformed exceptionally well, his milk consumption became less at the beginning (4-5 days), which actually worries the nursery carers. But he'll gradually learn to drink more from the cup day by day. Both my children, Alwani and Yusuf, enjoy the chocolate flavoured milk in the cup, as compared to the normal flavoured milk. I can't answer why. Al Fateh only drinks full cream milk, even till now.
For us, because we knew and believed on why were doing the this, we symphatised when Yusuf desperately sought for his bottle, but we didn't give in. Patience and perseverance are essential to both mom and dad.
We are proud of you big, handsome and good boy Hamza Yusuf!
It was the first time for both of us to leave the kids at home and had a quick retreat. It wasn't an easy decision (at my part) but we believe it's a good idea for us to have a quick getaway and share good quality time together .
And so, after 7 years of marriage, 3 kids and a PhD (and another one to go, insha Allah) <-- (sounds like the script in the Amazing Race finale!!! Hahah), we booked our tix and hotels, left the kids with my ever so wonderful parents, and took a plane to BALI!!
Well, I won't bother telling the details of our travel itinerary =p - but I'll gladly share the things we've learned from the quick getaway.
Getaways can help to refresh and revive relationships. It is like breathing fresh air into them, re-energizing them with greater intimacy and deeper love.This might sound kinky, but hey, as we're so absorbed in our responsibilities and roles at work and home, we could forget how we began as a unit. As vacation is time to devote ourselves to rest and relax from work or study, it's the best time to devote our quality time for each other! (Parents with small children without a helper will know that vacation with kids is not really a totally relaxing time, though it's important and special, too).
The Bali retreat allow us to focus on each other, share memorable life experiences together, and simply have fun, with no interference from work or home. It focused on what we love to do together - we simply shared the moment! (However, during one of my phone call home, I confessed that I cried after talking to the children!! It was a big distraction leaving the kids for the first time, but hey, it's only for 2 days!)
A couple's vacation is when you REALLY spend your quality time together. Hence it's important for both of you to talk about your relationship: where it had been, how did you go through the rough times, how do you plan to make it better - for yourselves and for the kids. When you communicate earnestly and discussed openly with your spouse, your objectives will be clearer and you'll work towards the same goals - and this will make you closer and happier with each other. And automatically, the kids will benefit from the healthy and loving relationship, too, insha Allah!
Taking a vacation is the healthy thing to do! It's healthy for your mind, body and relationship. A getaway is like hitting the reset button (after saving all the important files!). Taking a retreat, vacating my mind off my research (just for the shortest period of time =D), improved my motivation and concentration! I don't want to risk myself into serious burnout. (And the vacation was a 'present' for myself for completing my CoS report successfully!)
The retreat should be well within your budget. Hence, (budget and detail trip) planning is essential. Since we are the frequent flyer of AirAsia, we managed to grab the RM20 tickets to Bali, and booked the hotel through Hotel.com - and alhamdulillah, we managed to grab great bargains from both!
It's super fun going out on a halal date with your husband! Trust me!
Kuta Beach, Bali.
I hope that I don't have to wait another 7 years and 3 more kids for the next vacation!! A present for another PhD in the house would be nice... (hint.. hint...)
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
~Mignon McLaughlin
Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. ~John Gottman
A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
Last February, my husband announced discretely that he's planning to buy a new toy. Knowing his half (hidden) smile and 'I'm-not-going-to-show-that-I'm-excited' look, I knew that it's going to be his dream Pinarello that he's been talking about for ages - even when we were in Australia!
Alwani and Yusuf with Abi's new toy.
He has been discussing this with me and sharing his thoughts throughout this process - thinking out-loud and hoping for some other 'logical explanations' to support his purchase. It covered a range of topics to consider - the budget (hey, it's the same price of 2005 Kelisa!), the optimisation of the usage (at least 3 times weekly), the practicality (oversea purchase), the cycling schedule (to fit our family timetable) and many other related matters in regards to this rare purchase.
One of the most important thing that I learned from the process is to be an attentive listener. If we can patiently listen to others, they will appreciate our concern and attention (especially if the one who talks is your husband). Listening to others shows that we are interested in them as a person. and what they are talking about. When we talk we try to influence others, when we listen we appreciate others; it is important to get the right balance. To me, in this specific scenario, I learned to talk less, and listen more.
Another important trait that I learned was to hinder negative thoughts. Our mind gets drawn to the negativity of a judgment (i.e. why doesn't he buy a gold bracelet for me using that money rather than the light Pinarello frameset? At least gold is sunnah!), and criticising the judgment selfishly. However, I learned that to be non-judgemental and accepting of others (and their opinions) are very powerful traits to develop. Gaining control of your own thought is essential to keep a healthy relationship. Stay positive. (Hey, avid cyclists' wives out there! The bike is used for recreational and health activities, not for self-destruction or seduction ;p!!)
Respecting others' interests is crucial. Pinarello is not even close to be enlisted in my 'wish list', and a nice collection of intricate 'bling-blings' is soo not in his! Thus, learning to learn one's likes and dislikes is important - and to respect and not hamper one's fascination on something is an art that's important to be mastered as a couple.
Last but not least, share his joy. It's priceless.
Yusuf was the second official rider!
A part of the bike.
Another part of the bike.
The whole bike.. (sorry for the lack of cycling knowledge!)
Your child's rude 'tude isn't always intentional. Sometimes kids just don't realize it's impolite to interrupt, pick their nose, or loudly observe that the lady walking in front of them has a large behind. And in the hustle and bustle of daily life, busy moms and dads don't always have the time to focus on etiquette. But if you reinforce these 25 must-do manners, you'll raise a polite, kind, well-liked child, insha Allah.
Manner #1 When asking for something, say "Please."
Manner #2 When receiving something, say "Thank you."
And keep on smiling, Yusuf, though the hostess forgot to give you one!
Manner #3
Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.
Manner #4
If you do need to get somebody's attention right away, the phrase "excuse me" is the most polite way for you to enter the conversation.
Manner #5
When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.
Manner #6 The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
Manner #7 Do not comment on other people's physical characteristics unless, of course, it's to compliment them, which is always welcome.
Manner #8 When people ask you how you are, answer them and then ask them how they are.
Manner #9 When you have spent time at your friend's house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had.
Manner #10 Knock on closed doors -- and wait to see if there's a response -- before entering.
Manner #11 When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.
Manner #12 Be appreciative and say "thank you" for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.
Manner #13 Never use foul language. Nobody finds them funny.
Manner #14 Don't call people mean names. Do you like people to call you other names than yours?
Manner #15 Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak, and ganging up on someone else is cruel.
Manner #16 Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.
And try to avoid obvious yawns! Cover your mouth, Yusuf!
Manner #17 If you bump into somebody, immediately say "Excuse me."
Manner #18 Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don't pick your nose in public.
Manner #19 As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.
Manner #20 If you come across a parent, a teacher, or a neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. If they say "yes," do so -- you may learn something new.
Manner #21 When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.
Smile, though it's actually a smile of refusal to do something!
Manner #22 When someone helps you, say "thank you." That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers!
Manner #23 Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do. Related: 13 Basic Table Manners for kids.
And yes, do recite your du'as before and after meal.
Manner #24 Keep a napkin (or a Kleenex) on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.
This particular boy, we're still working on his eating habits...
Manner #25 Don't reach for things at the table; ask politely to have them passed.
Originally published in the March 2011 issue of Parents magazine.
I started my small veggie patch late last year when I felt the need to divert my attention from my research. Yes, that's how bad it was. Using the hoe as my weapon to break the hard brown soil, I felt a sense of relieve. I felt good.
From planting the basic lemon grass and pandan plants, I advanced to veggies and everyday herbs. And today, after sowing the seeds of my kangkung in mid March, I ate my own grown veggie for the first time (in Terengganu) (and this also excludes eating taugeh, which was theexperiments of Al Fateh and Alwani)!
My skinny kangkung.
Looking at the photos captured, I praise to Allah for His power to make things grow.
I learn that the kids enjoyed looking at the different phases of the growth. My wee veggie patch allows me to introduce to the kids the idea of caring of our surroundings, how to treat plants. Even Yusuf loves to take part by practically standing by the hose to 'book' his turn to water the plants. Alhamdulillah for this opportunity.
And of course, the best part is.....
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eating them!
Have you experienced calling someone and their answer is 'Hold on, sec!' ('Kejap ya!')
How would you feel?
Do you feel what I feel?
I get easily annoyed when I called the bigger children and received answers such as either of the above. What is more important than attending to my call? I'm the Ummi for heaven's sake!
And then, it triggered (while chopping some veggies, with a super sharp knife in my right hand). Why should they answer my calls quickly when I, myself didn't answer Allah's calls of prayers on the dot? He's the CREATOR for heaven's sake!
Do I answer the call for prayers promptly? Photo credit.
Hence, I learned that if I want my children to answer me promptly, I need to answer His calls promptly, too. May He gives me strengths in doing so, and the same to my husband and children, too. Aamin.
Alwani gets ready for jamaah prayers. She still recites (very) loudly all verses during prayers.
