What I learn from 'conflicts'.

'I disagree with you! We should aim higher than that, do better than that! We should prove to them that we are superior!'

'Hello?!! We are not here to show-off, but we are here to help other friends, who has just arrived in Edin. We should work together as a team, not to compete with each other.'

'But if we can't show the newbies that we are better, they will surely join the other group..'

 

source: http://www.engr.utexas.edu.

Conflict can be defined as a struggle between opposing forces, such as a clash between opinions, values, interests, or goals. Without exception, every  group or organization experiences conflict.  

Conflict is a fact of life.  And, so are the feelings that go along with conflict: anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment.  Because conflict and the feelings associated with it are unpleasant, people try to avoid them or pretend that they don’t exist.  

Most people are conditioned to believe that conflict is bad, that it is wrong to argue or disagree. You are wrong!

Conflict in and of itself isn’t “bad”, what is “bad” is how most people handle it. 

I. Where/Why Conflict Occurs

A. Where?
  1. Within the individual: internal conflict; personal choices
  2. Within the group: interpersonal conflict; inevitable and invaluable
  3. Between groups: most visible and most difficult to resolve

B. Why?
  1. Values
  2. Goals
  3. Perceptions
  4. Status
  5. Roles

II. Attributes that Help Resolve Conflict

A. Clear goals and purposes: articulated, understood and accepted by all.
B. Openness in communications: to secure understanding, not necessarily agreement, between those involved.
C. Fair and clear procedures: organization; structure.
D. Acceptance: accept not only other people and ideas, but their right to be different.

III. Techniques to Resolve Conflict

A. Look for and stress common ground.  Emphasize points of agreement rather than points of differences.
B. Treat contributions as group property.  Forsake pride of ownership and handle ideas as if they belong to the entire group.
C. Restrict communication until points in conflict are thoroughly understood by all participants.
D. Compartmentalize the issue in the conflict.  If the problem is too complex, break it up into subparts and deal with them one at a time or in small groups.
E. Try role playing.  Can create understanding and empathy with the other person’s position. 
F. Ask questions.  Clarifies issues and exposes real nature of the conflict.
I. Postpone the item until later.  Taking some time to “cool of” can be useful.




IV. General Tips

A. Stay calm.
B. See the “big picture”.
C. Discuss the “head”, not “heart”.
D. Enter conflict with the idea that it will be resolved to the satisfaction of most participants.
E. Be willing to compromise.
F. Show respect for other’s opinions.
G. If you are wrong, admit it graciously.
H. Be an “active” listener.

Let's try to be a leader who can resolve conflicts, and not one who creates more! 


source: http://www.engr.utexas.edu.

What I learn from 'Playgroup chit chat - Sawmia's Vadey'

When Al Fateh was two and Alwani was a newborn, we frequent the playgroup in our area. It's held once a week where moms and dads brought their child(ren) to meet others at the same age. It's a get-together time for the moms, too. Most of the time, we brought a plate of food to share. Sawmia, originated from India but has been staying in Perth for ages, always brought vegetarian food. One of them was my favourite, Vadey!!

This is Sawmia's version, simply yet super tasty!

Baked version.

Sawmia's Vadey

1. Yellow split peas - soaked
• 3 portions blend to paste
• a portion as it is.
2. Curry leaves
3. Chopped onions
4. Chillies, both powder and coarse
5. Salt to taste.

Mix them all. Shape them into balls - flatten them.

Deep fry until golden.

Serve hot.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy eh? I always make them in a big batch. I don't fry them all, but bake most of them, cool them, and place them in small packets. Then deep freeze them. I only take a packet at a time for tea time. Clever eh? heheh.. Mak's technique.

Frozen vadeys ready to be baked/fried.

Bon Appétit!

 AF AW playgroup

What I learn from 'the correlation of Tohoku Earthquake and PhD process '.

Prelude: For social science researchers, the word correlation plays an important role to ‘statistically’ describe and measure the degree of relationship between two or more variables.

Tohoku Earthquake and Sendai Tsunami

 

Last week, incredibly devastating news on Tohoku earthquake (9.0 magnitude) and tsunami (10m height) were covered in most news network. It's assumed (since the real amount is untold just yet) that this might be the costliest earthquakes and tsunamis ever.

A couple of friends of mine were personally affected, since they are doing their doctorate studies in Tohoku University in Sendai. Alhamdulillah, they were saved by Allah’s perfect plan – meeting up a relative who stopped over in Tokyo from Dubai, which meant, their usual routine of working in the Uni lab for one, and performing Friday prayers for another were distorted. Allah’s plan ensured them to be together during this trying time, and away from the distressed area.

Some of the footage were terrifying  and way beyond disheartening, and I personally think it’s impossible to imagine what it’d be like to be caught up in the tragedy. Na’uzubillahi minzalik.

Nonetheless, I couldn’t stop relating this phenomenon with my own research.

PhD Process 

Got it here

It would be inevitable for anyone to face tough and challenging phases during the process of PhD-ing oneself. The first phase would be feeling restless and lonely, not forgetting, sensing of being totally lost in piles of journals. Then it came to the time(s) of burning the midnight oil - then waking up cranky in the morning. There were times when the layers of patience left the body, and the wicked witch of the west emerged from within and transformed me into the short-tempered melancholic lady (whom I detest).  Then the feelings of 'there's not enough hours in the 24 hours' and 'why didn't I do this earlier' which could sometimes contribute to the stamping of the word GUILT (bold and caps) on the forehead. In short, the process of PhD-ing oneself could be pretty self-shattering.

But Alhamdulillah, I have Allah. Alhamdulillah, I have a supportive and understanding husband. Alhamdulillah, I have great kids who listen to me. Alhamdulillah, I have great parents who support me physically and mentally. Alhamdulillah, I have super friends who showers me with guidance and personally aid me through this lonely and treacherous journey. Alhamdulillah for all the miracles that Allah bestows upon me. 

The correlation of Tohoku Earthquake and PhD process

It is vital to keep things in perspectives.

Should the PhD stress and the aftermath of the earthquake stop ourselves from living our lives to the fullest? NO! Both should help creating better person for the future, that is, after the hurdles have been successfully leaped over.

I don’t mean to say that it isn’t stressful, or that the stress isn’t real. It exists, unfortunately. However, by reading a couple of paragraphs above, there are always little and big things in our lives to be happy and grateful about - i.e. in the case of my friends in Tohoku, Sendai, they still have each other, healthy and alive!

We need to always keep in mind that everything is temporary. There'll be rainbow after the rain, sunshine after a stormy nights. In order to earn the sunshine, we need to work on it, and don't let the stress (and procrastination) succumb you to a deeper ditch. I believe that the Japanese will surely rise and go on with their lives and build a better Nippon; and they have proven it after the Kobe Earthquake in 1995. If they can overcome a horrific situation, we sure can, too! Let's 'earn the sunshine'!

Interlude: 

Let's pray for the victims of Tohoku Earthquake and tsunami in Japan. 

Let's pray that from this tragedy, they learn to find truth and peace in Allah. 

Let's pray that we are always grateful to Allah. 

Let's pray that He always grants us positive yet critical perspectives in life.

Let's pray that we will always appreciate good and bad experiences in our lives, 

even if sometimes it takes some effort to see them. 

Wallahu'alam.

What I learn from ‘Al Hidayah’s Merit Certificate’.

In Al Hidayah Islamic School, Bentley, WA, my class consisted of a good mixture of genders, nationalities, first languages, and of course, different level of learning abilities. The year 3 students were at a super active age, who loves to try and learn; and I had a marvelous time creating and improving lessons to feed these thirsty young minds.

Al Hidayah beliefs in the philosophy that all learners need to achieve success on a regular basis and such achievements must be recognized and celebrated. Every Friday, the class and religious studies teachers will have the opportunity to award students with merit certificates. The ‘merit’ was not only applied to excellence in assignments or tests, it also applies to the fantastic behavior (adaab) in class, as well as honoring their progress in learning. I learn that a wonderful climate of achievement can be fostered using this method. Al Hidayah celebrates all students, not just the ‘more intellectually capable’ ones. And I love that philosophy.

Some of the examples of Merit Certificates.

I got them from here.

What I learn from the philosophy of setting a wonderful climate of achievement were, as teachers as well as parents, we should:

1. Show optimism;
2. Demonstrate positive expectations to young people;
3. Emphasise success and potential rather than failings and shortcomings;
4. Stress the value of effort, persistence and the learning process;
5. View mistakes as opportunities for learning;
6. Ensure our judgement and assessment should focus more on the differences between past and present performance, so then the improvement(s) can be seen.
7. Celebrate each success, however small it is, so young people know that they’ll be acknowledged by doing good deeds, even it’s so minute.
8. Understand that all children are born with potential, and we cannot be sure of the learning limits of any child. Hence, shower them with as many learning opportunities as we can.

From the short 2 years I worked in Al Hidayah, I saw considerable evidence to show that when teachers and parents have high expectations of children, they will usually achieve greater success in their learning, and vice-versa. The high expectations should always be accompanied with motivations, support, positive encouragement (and re-encouragement), patience and of course, lots of TLC (tender loving care). Teachers and parents can dramatically influence young people’s attitudes to learning.

Wallahu’alam.

What I learn from 'MAC 2 mini get together'.

31.10.2010

Taman Tasik Perdana (Playground area)

Attendees: Intan (Organiser and her sister), Amy, Eiza (and her clan), Shila (and partner), Oja (and her daughter) and myself (with her whole clan, including mom and brother!!)



From L-R: Oja, Amy, Azza, Eiza, Intan, Kakak Intan, Shila.



I learn a lot of things from this short meeting – it was simple yet meaningful. I always thought of reunion as over-pricey and super long preparation; but our ever-thoughtful Intan, as a fabulous organizer, has proved me wrong. Her picnic event was totally undemanding and unpretentious. Neither have I needed to find new clothes (to make me look thin) nor spending hundreds of RM on food and venue. Since we’re being ourselves, we became instantly relaxed and natural.

Initiatives like Intan’s should be an exemplary. Yes I described the reunion event as light and easy, but it’s never an easy thing to be an organizer of any event, simple or posh, especially when you have just started a new job. I always appreciate it when someone does something without being asked or nominated, especially event which reconnects the relationships (ukhuwwah), I’m sure Allah will pay her well. Oh, she also packed goody bags for the kids (though she hasn’t got one yet, but planning to have one at the age of 40! You go girl!) and assembled a super fantastic down the memory lane CD: ‘You and me in Edinburgh’. Talking about being thoughtful... no one can compare to our Intan Sufinaz Daud.

Yes, we studied Scottish Highers and A-Levels in the same classroom, had the same TESOL lecturers, suffered the severe cold Edinburgh weather for nearly six years and finally, graduated in the same great McEwan hall together. Nevertheless, the next seven years have painted us to be different people – some being mothers, some switching careers, some staying in rural areas, some getting slimmer (and others wider), some pursuing their studies, some disliking their posts, some working on a job unrelated to our degree… but this get together has taught me that we could and must put aside our differences and cherish our similarities.

Ultimately, it’s not about ME, it’s about US. I urged my husband to drive us back to KL for this event because I wanted to refresh the special bonds that I had with my TESOL ’03 Edin Uni comrades. We’ve been through thick and thin, watched and acted in more than thousands of real-life dramas; hence meeting them again after all these years would remind me how I started ‘growing up’ independently. They were my teachers and models; they were my friends and foes; they were my mentors and psychologists; they were my fashion consultants and chefs. Yes, the physical features might have some (major) changes but we still belong to the same past, the same beautiful memories.

Cheers guys for the fantastic day! I enjoyed myself (and not to forget Al Fateh, Alwani and Go! Yusuf, Go!, Nenek, Aisyah, Kahlil and Bg Ikram who had super fun as well). Till we meet again, insha Allah. May the FORCE will always be with you!



2010, Taman Tasik Perdana:
 L-R: Eiza & Dalia. Oja & Iris, Amy, Intan, Shila, Azza & Go Yusuf, go!



2003, McEwan Hall:
Top L-R: Ruby, cW, Shannana, Oja, Azza, Farah, Shadd.
Bottom L-R: Rosie, Noi, Shila, Eiza, Intan, Naz, Ajie, late Gillies.

What I learn from 'SIFE UMT' - iPresentation.

Though I was a minuscule figure in SIFE UMT, I felt their sorrow and distress after losing in the National SIFE Competition recently. Reasons of loss ranges from the political issues and secret agendas behind certain parties to our slight weakness in presenting our strong, powerful cases. The word slight is purposefully chosen because to other judges who are first speakers of English, they did not see any flaw in SIFE UMT presentations.

However, what I learn in life is never point fingers to blame and reprimand anyone, but to see and criticise my own weaknesses to improve and trade my failure to become a huge success in the future. I always believe that Allah didn't give what we want, but He always give us what we NEED. 

But, there is the issue of RIGHTS. Do we have the right to win if another team actually fibbed their projects? In Islam, we need to fight for our right, using the right paths and procedures. 

Coming back to the issue of self-improvement. One of the critical agenda during SIFE Competition is the presentation of our laughter and smile, sweat and tears in less than 25 minutes. What do we need to do to achieve that brilliantly? 

The need to polish the presentation skills.

I watched Nur Kasih on TV3 because I believed in their scenes. I take time to watch Leverage on AXN because I believe those con artiste. The key word here is BELIEVE.

Presentations need to be believable, it has to be presented with passion and own deep, very deep interest. Presentations are not script memorising and regurgitating process. Well, it can be the first step of it, but we need to move further than the first step. It needs to come from the heart, as if you believe and are passionate towards the Cambodian children, the loneliness of the Single Moms, the impoverish fishermen etc.

Wanie, Zoofar, Ieja, A-an, Yudha and Fuzah: The 'believers' presenting.

I watched Nur Kasih because the story line was meaningful and engaging. Why? I do have friends who were similar to the devilish Adam in Australia. I could relate to Nur.

Presentations need to be meaningful, engaging and related to the audience. How do we do it? We need to include the audience in the emotional dramas that we have been through. This is when the video clippings play its essential role. For instance, using the high impact visuals that can move emotions of the crowd.

Engaging and relating to the audience also mean interacting with the crowd during presentation. Audience awareness is an essential skill in any presentation. By smiling, keeping eye contact as well as appropriate body gesture, these will help the audience, if not all, at least the judges, to stay focus on the presentation.

Tone awareness and speaking pace are also issues to take note. But I believe that we have scored 5 stars on these. Well done!

One of my idols in smart presentations is the Apple man - iSteve Jobs. In his presentations during the numerous launches of Apple products, he keeps his sentences very simple. Minimal amount of word used in a sentence. This has the effect of the audience to want to know more and more about the product (or projects). 

When visual aids were used, he use graphics or short phrases per slide - which highlights the key point of our speech. Be selective and precise. In addition, iSteve Jobs always use black/dark blue background and white font. Simple but effective. I want to be presenting as iAzza one day, insha Allah.

All in all, despite our defeat, I still believe that Allah knows best. I totally agree with Ustazah Faizah when she mentioned that Allah didn't give what we want, but He always give us what we NEED. And I second Ustaz Riswadi's point saying that we left the competition with dignity, and stand tall with the other respected team. 

 A chunk of SIFE UMT Team with team Advisor, Ust Riswadi.

So guys, we have learned tonnes from the SIFE experience itself. Wanie's statement in the SIFE UMT's FB page was eloquently put, 'helping people meant a whole lot then just winning... our self satisfaction, our emotion, are being greatly impacted. losing is not he end of us... '.

Never give up because the rainbow will appear after the rain, insha Allah. I believe in you, SIFE UMT!

What I learn from 'the the kids play time with neighbours'.

I enjoy telling the kids and their cousins stories of my childhood. They are always mesmerised with the simple and uncomplicated childhood that my husband and I had.

I told them stories of Aunty Jules (Juliana Isma) who I grew up with in Shahbandar before her family moved to Bukit Chedang, Seremban. How athletic she was when she jumped over the fence several times daily. And hello!!.. the fence was not low!!  I told them how we queued up when Atok came home from work and he would dukung us one by one and swayed us mid-air! Jules and I played and danced in the rain, climbed rambutan trees, played hide and seek until our bodies were full with mosquito bites; we played tags, fell down and scraped our knees. But we didn't cry, (we might, a bit) but I believe that this made us grew up to be creative and high-spirited us. We had good friends and playmates when we were very young. 

And I want my children to have this kind of experience, too!

 Cheeky Jules and her son Omar (Photo from Jules FB)

Another friend that's always constant in my growing up years would be Ila who's just a year older than me. Fresh in my mind, I remember those days when we cooked rice, pucuk ubi leaves and eggs in the aluminum condensed milk cans under the rambutan tree. We used matches and small sticks +  dried eaves from the rambutan tree pretending to be Oshins of Malaysia. We sew our own batu seremban and took the cloth from Ila's Nenek's crib. Our make-believe sessions were not only being Oshin or the volleyball player in the Moero Attack, we were also Rashid Sidek and Foo Kok Keong during the badminton fever of Thomas Cup in the 90s'. Role playing played a big role in our younger years. We loved playing outdoors than indoors. Our parents allowed us to be whatever we wanted to be.

Creative Ila and her son, Harris (photo from Fazila Shaharuzaman's FB)

I believe role play made our imagination goes wild and creative. With Ila, we planned, organised and executed our activities in a fun way. Creativity and innovation took place almost every play time. And look how creative Ila becomes with her Swirl of Colours projects! I'm proud of you, babe!

Those experiences could not be possible if a child plays on her own. It could be, but the aspect of sharing thoughts, communicating with peers, overcoming problems, sharing joy: all these affective, psychomotor and cognitive aspects of learning would be pretty hard to gain without playmates.

That's why I never restrict the kids when they called out for our neighbours' children to come and play at our house. I want them to have the opportunity that I had with Jules and Ila. (And I want them to learn and understand Terengganu lingo, too! They'll be my hopeful translators!)

The kids were playing musical chair. Alwani just went round and round, following whatever kakak did. Al Fateh computed the rules and hows of the game after the second round. Fantastic observation skills, Al Fateh!

Please note where Alwani sat! She didn't get it! hahahah. As long that she could grab a seat, it's fine with her! Oh Alwani.






I hope that we can always have good neighbours because they'll help us mold our children to be better people. That's what I learn and believe.

Thanks Jules, Ila, Nina, Ikhwan, Sheema, Nadia, Ayip, Geena & Shima (my lovely cousins) because you had shaped the small me to be the big me now!

What I learn from 'Adik, the Freshman'.

I remembered the first time embarking into MH1 flight to London Heathrow alone, without my parents. 15 years has passed, I was turning 18 at that time, leaving the comfortable place called home and jumped into a new adventure of life. It was FANTASTIC!

Those days I learn to be independent, to save money for trips, learn how to interact with others, cook, shop, keep in touch with my family members by letters and phone, learn independently, know my rights, the list is endless.

(UniSZA Registration Day July, 2010)

This morning, as I drove towards my home from the market, I passed two universities: Universiti Malaysia Terengganu and Universiti Sultan Zainal Abidin - looking at the amount of cars and people sending new freshmen to new varsity lives, I remembered my Abah told me during the car ride to KLIA, 15 years ago: "Go and come back, not just with a degree in hand, but with KNOWLEDGE and priceless EXPERIENCES in your heart and mind."

I believe that advice is priceless.

For me, university life is not just about books and exams, it's a place where you should learn to build your character and interest - it's a pit stop before you enter adulthood. It's not a place to waste your time and buy a new phone as the PTPTN scholarship is banked in. No! Save your money! Put aside a sum of money as savings, let it be a habit for your future. Know your rights and don't let anyone step on your head.

Keep in touch with your parents. Tell them you love them and thank them for educating you and loving you, even when you have messed up. Communicate openly while you still have the chance.

(Adik and Kak Nor, as they say 'Goodbye' in Losong, KT)

A uni is a place where you should learn to study others' characters. Whether one is a person you can trust; a person you can joke openly with; a person who can offer you a shoulder to cry on; a person you can lend your money/things to (and will get it back!); a person you who can motivate you; a person that you need to keep your distance, for he/she can influence you negatively and the list can go on and on. It's a fantastic time to observe and know people's characters, and try to absorb and the good things from others, in order to make you a better servant of Allah. One should learn to choose a good and trustworthy group of friends.

Alhamdulillah. Be thankful to Allah. Not everyone is blessed with university life.

All in all, it's the beginning of a new semester. For the teachers and lecturers in the universities, it's back to their core job, teaching and feeding the students with knowledge, hoping that they will be better person upon graduation. I pray that Allah eases the workload for these lecturers and teachers, aamin. May the students in the universities will enjoy their undergraduate lives and may the knowledge and experience that they gain will be a gateway for a better future of Islam, aamin.


All the best, Adik! Thanks for sharing today with me.



Adik aka Ayman Shahim, Diploma Al-Quran & Sunnah, UniSZA and I.

What I learn from 'Bilik Tutor/Felo Perempuan'.

From time to time, I visit my 'roomies' in Fakulti Pengurusan Ekonomi, UMT, just to say 'Hi!'. This morning, was again an impromptu visit and I was greeted by the sweet smell of bunga rampai. The ladies, Ieja, Nisa', Moni, Liya, Shuhad and Amy, were preparing the surprise door gifts for a friend's akad nikah. Isn't it wonderful? Warm and thoughtful ladies, they are, and I pray that all of them will be blessed with extra beautiful blessings from Him.

I learn that money can be a tool for us to get closer to one another, and to Allah. Kind thoughts and good will can make a friendship grows to another level. And insha Allah, the friendship is lillahita'ala. I learn that when we do a deed without asking for rewards later, we do it happier, with smiles and laughter, not with frowns and whines.

Thanks ladies!
pix: On Iej's not-so-surprise birthday BBQ. Featuring tutors and fellows of FPE.